..:: Low ::..

I'm sorry that I'm always the one to let you down again.
And I feel so ashamed, it used to be easy.
I feel so low.
And I want you to know, that I won't let go again.
I feel so low.

~Marianas Trench

So it's not exactly a secret that I've had a history

of infrequent blogging, but four months is a bit ridiculous.

And trust me, I've paid the consequences.

I gained weight. Too much.

Always too much.

But I'm back on again.

And that's the cycle isn't it?

Binge,

Gain Weight,

Freak Out,

Starve,

Lose Weight,

Start Over.

Never ending.

And I was right in my last post;

I did curse myself.

Let's recap the past couple months?

Bad Things

1. Broke up with T.

2. Lost most of my online friends.

3. Lost some non-online friends.

4. I'm disgustingly big.

5. Purged for the first time since I can't even remember when.

6. Got a job at a sandwhich shop.

(How masochistic can I get?)

Good Things (with a twist, of course).

1. I got to see two of my favorite bands in concert together.

Down side: too fat to crowd surf.

2. Remember R? I'm with him now.

Down side: He's so fucking skinny.

T was average for a guy, but R is

like naturally thin. It's embarassing to be the fat girlfriend.

Probably for him too, but he'd never say it.

3. Money. I finally actually have money. Gotta love jobs, eh?

I bought a scale, now I don't have to sneak around the house

multiple times a day to the one on our main floor.

Down side: The food smells so fucking good.

Anyways, I'm back on track. (AGAIN).

I'm reading Wintergirls, and if that's not a motivational

kick in the ass, I don't know what is.

Now for the big, disgusting,

 disappointing reveal?

133.

It's really embarassing.

Especially to say in front of all you lovelies.

And I think that's one of the advantages of blogging so frequently;

because I obviously want to impress all my followers,

just like you all impress me.

And posting that I've gained is motivation

to get my weight back down.

So I think I'll definitely be posting more often

And I know I've said that in the past,

so you all won't have to take my word for it,

because you'll see it for yourselves.

God, I look at my earlier posts and I don't know how I did it.

It feels like a completely different girl was posting those.

When I started this blog, I lost 9 pounds in 5 days,

11.5 in 1 week.

I would do anything to get that back.

I've had an apple today,

and exercised,

exercised,

exercised.

And the rest of the night, I'll be on Tumblr,

looking at thinspo (it's never ending on there),

doing homework and checking out all of your blogs.

Hopefully I'll be closer to the 120's by tomorrow.

The 130's freak me out.

Most importantly,

thank you to all of you who haven't

given up on me or my blog.

It means so much to me,

and I hope to make all of you, and myself,

proud.

Good Luck, Stay Strong,

I'll post again.. Wednesday?

I think so. :]