..:: Comfortably Confused ::..

Found out that life meant nothing today,
forgot the very next morning.
And why can't our bodies reset themselves?
Won't you please reset me?

~I See Stars

I got a Twitter: @harshxreality

I figured since I'm not very good at sitting down,

and writing down summaries

of how everything is going every once in a while

on here, I could use something that just

lets me post little blurbs about it instead.

So please follow me, and I will definitely follow back.

I broke up with T.

He sent me a message on Facebook that made me cry.

But we're not good for eachother,

and I'm coming to terms with that.

I had a panic attack at work yesterday.

My mum still thinks I overreact,

that I'm dramatic.

She doesn't think it's a problem.

Maybe she's right?

But it's scary.

And I want the medication.

I don't want to look at food,

it makes me feel sick.

I haven't stepped on a scale.

I go out as much as possible so

I can't be alone with my thoughts.

And when I'm alone,

I blast music so I still can't think.

Even now.

I wish I had some vodka leftover from last weekend,

but I don't.

So I have to be uncomfortably sober today.

It's raining, no one is answering my texts.

My mum calls me to the kitchen to show me

all my favorite food that she bought.

Go away.

Speaking of her,

here's what I wrote in my journal.

She's never home anymore. Always working. Always at the gym with her fat friend. I don't see her eating. She's made rules now. No eating after 8, gym at least 3 times a week. She gets a membership that has photo ID. She doesn't let me get a membership. She's the one who watched me like a hawk when I was good. When I was disappearing. Now she's teasing me. She's the one losing. She cooks everything trying to fatten me up while she eats next to nothing. Always healthy. I throw the food out when she's not looking. Then it hits me and I realize she was jealous. She was jealous when she stopped me the last time. She stands next to me while the doctor weighs me and declares the ugly numbers for the rest of the world to hear. Is she smiling? Does she feel victorious? Will she remember this number and stop me again when I stray too far away from being this uglyugly number? Before I can disappear? I'll find a way. She will not beat me.

It was a while ago, after my doctor's appointment but

I still feel the same.

Horrible, isn't it?

I'll try to post again next weekend,

but for now please tell me your Twitters

(if you have one.)

I'd love to follow you.

Good Luck, Stay Strong.