..:: I'm So Sick ::..

I'm so sick,

Infected with where I live,
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,

Selfishness
I'm so sick, I'm so sick.

~Flyleaf

So the person I consider to be my "best friend" has a heart condition.

It can be severe at times, but he copes pretty well.

He's noticed my "habits" and has always been slightly suspicious.

I finally just told him because, well, he's my best friend.

It was no doubt extremely bad timing on my part

since he was having a bad day because of his situation.

Anyways, this is what he said to me:

"You're lucky enough to have good health, Ashley.

 Don't fuck it up with vanity."

It was kind of like a slap to the face.

He was the first person I've actually told,

and this is the first thing that came out of his mouth.

But the more I think about it,

he's completely right.

There he is with a heart condition

that could put him in the hospital at any minute,

and I'm purposely denying my body what it needs to stay strong and healthy.

He has little control over his heart condition,

and I'm self-inflicting starvation.

But is it because of vanity?

Is it vain that I can't look in the mirror without feeling disgusted?

That I compare myself to every female I see when I go out,

and feel like shit when they're skinnier than me?

Bleh, I don't know.

It's not like it will change anything.

Anyways, on my last post that was exactly a month ago,

(bad blogger :\ sorry)

I said that I was going to try to lose six pounds by the end of the week.

I only got down to 123, which was a four pound weight loss.

I was still happy about it, but it wasn't as much as I was hoping for.

But at least one of my mini goals has happened;

I finally weigh less than the amount of followers I have :]

It is partly because I have a few new followers,

but I would've still been less if my followers had stayed the same (121)

because right now I am 120!

Life has been more than a bit hectic otherwise.

But this Wednesday I finally get out of school,

so I'll try to be on here more often.

Stay Lovely, Strong and Focused.

Good Luck!