..:: World War Me ::..

I'm on the verge of self destruction,
Suffering because of my selfish voices.
I'm on the verge of self destruction,

Suffering because I gave up on myself, and everyone.

~From First To Last

The very end of a year is the time to reflect.

I've been doing a lot of  too much thinking lately.

I've realized the root of my disorder(s) obsession(s) addiction(s)

are a bit more complicated than I let myself believe.

I think it started in 7th grade, to be honest.

Middle school was no doubt the worst time of my life.

It wasn't as if I was even overweight, I just made myself believe it.

I believed I was ugly. I believed I was fat. I believed I just didn't fit.

I started feeling ashamed when I ate.

It wasn't even shame, it was just pure like self-loathing,

like I didn't even deserve to eat.

I would put my bag on the table, and hide the food inside,

eating a bite when I thought nobody was looking.

Nothing's really changed since then;

I still put my bag on the table when I eat.

It's more than that, though.

It's more than feeling out of place, and having shit self-esteem.

It's almost as if some part of me enjoys fucking myself over.

I hurt myself in whatever ways I can.

When I binge, I literally stuff myself.

I meliciously make myself so sick that I cry all night.

So sick that I never want to eat again.

So sick that I want to curl up and just die.

When someone tries to get into my fucked up little head,

I push them as far away as I can.

So far, that they'll never consider returning.

I purposely make goals and set expectations

that I know I can't reach,

And I punish myself for not making them happen.

When things start working,

I fuck it up so badly that I have to start all over again.

I can't figure out why I loathe myself so very much.

I can't make sense of it. I can't decide where exactly it came from,

I just know it's been there all along. Always has, always will.

I've always been fucked in the head.

And if I wasn't so bloody good at hiding it from the people in my life,

they would've had me locked up a long time ago.

115 is a distant dream I won't be making this year.

I've come to grips with this in the past couple days.

2011 is a brand new year though.

A new start I've been in need of since the beginning of 2010.

Last post of 2010.

Good luck to every one of you.

I hope you've reached your goals.

I wish you all the best for the new year.

2011 here we come.